Once upon a time

Ashtray - If you are a Prince and you come to visit the poor, you probably give away things. Where I am trying to go is, today I realized that those gifts, only because a Prince gave away, does not have to be useful. We had this tire shaped ashtray in our house from as long as I can remember. It was popular for many reasons, like it resembled very much to a real tire. I never used it as I do not smoke often or comfortably at home. Now things change, the worlds shift their positions. As for me I got the house all for myself for almost 2 and 1/2 months. So I started using the ashtray. Kind of an old stuff adding 'touch'. Today when I got tired of continuously smoking the cigarette and thought of resting it on the tire-ashtray, it rolled off and fell on the ground with sparks. I had to get up from the bean bag, throwing away the story book and but-off the cigarette. Well you may say no harm done but it was a tough job getting up from the bean bag in a hurry and panic.

So I inspected the tire-ashtray and found it was given as a souvenir to mark the visit of the Prince of Wales in 1980. Well I was 5 years old at that time and obviously did not smoke. But it could have had some cigarette holder as is there in most of the ashtrays.


Car - I was always afraid to drive the car and used to believe that I would be the last person to be able to drive a car in the whole world. My father started to drive the car at an age of 62 and I was afraid at 26. My brother started to make me drive the car inside our neighborhood when he visited us a couple of months back and thus I started to learn the protocols. The other day I decided to take the car to office. I did so and brought it back home safely. But while parking the car with all the excitement of being able to drive the car I hit the gate with the back side bumper. I was sad and decided to repair it next morning.

That night at around 3 AM there was a noise. A loud one. Me and my friend came outside but everything was normal. I assumed that probably coconut had fallen on our meter-room's asbestos roof causing the noise. In the morning I found that the right side of our car's wind shield was smashed. There were no debris around and everything seemed to be in place. All these years I was afraid of an accident and it happened in this way. I wrote in the insurance claim - '...hit by a coconut falling from the coconut tree...'.We are still to understand how or what happened that night. But I started driving the car. Installed a music player and nowadays I feel like may be I can drive at last  and also enjoy it.

A friend of mine bought a car and is learning to drive. So nowadays I help him out as I can in parking, staying beside him when he is driving etc.


Beer and Alcohol - We drank beer. We started with whiskey. Then it was beer. We could have bathed in it. In 26 years I never had a pot belly. But I got one in less than two months. I took my weight and it was 73 kilos. As far as I can remember I was 66 kilos before the 'time' began. So during the end it was vodka, rum, whiskey mostly.

Then there were those occasional liquors. For the Irish Cream the price tag stopped me from enjoying the drink as I paid for it. But everyone else said it was pretty good. Then there was Tequila to celebrate when one of my friend bought a car. We did not had the small glasses for shots, so we bought small 'matir-bhars' from the near by tea stall that night.


Morning -  I thought as I was staying alone no one will disturb me in the morning and I will sleep as long as I want. Well I was wrong. At around 0800 hrs the first domestic help used to arrive for washing the clothes. The second used to come around 0830 hrs for washing the dishes. And the third around 0900 hrs to cook that days food.

Rather than getting irritated I started feeling pity for the rich people who have many domestic helps. They will probably never know the peace and many more things. Or maybe this is how a hierarchy rises where you get another domestic help to boss over the remaining one so that you are not disturbed. Social medias should start debating on these in the light of constitution, dynasty, economics, communism etc.


Movies - Before joining the Office and finding out that computers can also be a very dull/boring thing I used to watch lots of movies. I remember there were days or a stretch of days when I have seen 2-3 movies each day. I was amazed to see how many movies can be there and also how can people watch the same movie more than once when there are so many alternatives. Now staying alone at home probably gave me that feel again. I have been trying to watch one movie per day after reaching home from office. I managed to watch 36 movies during this time. As most of the time I was drinking while watching the movies, the choices got changed. It has become more of happy-go-lucky/action types. Well it is said circumstances change everything and movies are social media.


The Girl - Sometimes I feel that maybe its more than just a co-incidance. Some how we again start talking, going here and there for some times and then retreat from each other with the same sudden beginning. But this time I had this feeling that the line has been drawn. To be honest, I feel that this is how it should be and this is what I wanted. Its probably the loneliness which I was afraid of and thus was keeping her with me all the time in 'dreams, thoughts etc etc' kind of mushy ways. I always knew she don't and can't love me. Like the Universe there were this big bang, dust flowing here and there, hazy shades, blurred vision and probably then I understood a very impish thing called 'love' personified. It was long back now. As big bangs does not happen everyday, probably I have to wait for sometime now to find another personified version of 'love' for me. I tell this line which I found in a film to me often '...if I just wanted to avoid loneliness anybody would have been fine...'


Alone - The first day when I came back from office near midnight (as per my normal office schedule) to the empty house, the outdoor light was not up. It was dark. I switched on the lights. Opened the doors/windows. Changed dress. Took a bath. Ate food. I expected that I would have these fear for ghosts/darkness or feel lonely. Insted I had the strange feel which comes on me sometimes. Feeling that the air has become more dense. Depression, frustration, anger, past, present, future got mixed with a sweet-big-empty-calm-happy-content-drowsy sense. The feeling which tells you that you can perform miracles or commit suicide. I made a note to keep alcohol stored and keep the light on from next day when I leave for office.

~  6th July to 15th September 2012

                                                                                                  

Stone-chips

The doors which once brought everyone in, now even refuse the moon light. They are protecting, whispering. The lamp posts teach the yellow lights not to cross the door sill. Nearer they come they get slitted by the grills, before they fade near the door.

The roads are constructed, smooth. But I don't see people walking down like before. Playing hide and seek like before. The drains got covered. No one needs to take turn in picking up the cricket ball from drain, pinching their nose with the other hand, any more. Car parking has taken up most of the street now. But cricket matches are held everyday in TV. No one crowds in the club house to watch it. Everyone got one at their house.

What was taboo once, quantity made it rational. A slang/gibberish said once is bad. But if everyone uses it and very often, its fine. If its on TV, my parents are too old for the time. They should learn the new age language. Every success needs a dump yard. If you make a city inside a city, you need to make some slums too. How would you compare your superiority otherwise. Places, dump yards where you can let your kids roam once a while, to let them realize how lucky they are to have parents like you. Places were you can throw your beer bottles, old shoes etc and most importantly your money as charity and to evade taxes.

You should not copy west. But you can sale east to west or use east like west. Where was west when east was going to college? I heard somewhere '...if you are fate then i am a gambler...'. I sometimes wish that I could have had this fate by its throat. But again that would prove the existence of this creature who makes everyone dance on its whims.

When I was in school I wanted to be carefree. Everyone was better than me. The only thing I was able of, was to think myself as the hero of some film where the hero in the end dies or throws his clenched fist to the air in triumph. I was content with that. To have achieved something in my dreams. I was lazy enough to do it in real life.

At this point do we not question the reality? The parents, relatives, teachers, friends etc were we our selves play the second fiddle. Even if we succeed we do it for them or only because they have acknowledged. When we do it for ourselves, its more like alone in the peace of the room. Wishing that you could be alone again among hundreds of people. Talking and walking with them. Seeing faces, hearing tunes which would never remind you of the present but always of the past or the future.

Free falling bodies

I remember free falling bodies are weightless. The theory was defined well in books and memorizing it gave good marks in exams. But my problem was not with the 'free falling bodies' but rather with the environment. For example lets consider the office-space.

I get this feeling pretty often. Like my limbs are on their own. Its generally when I am concentrating very hard on not doing something. Like walking into the office fighting back the desire to kick the glass door. Like forcing my self from seeing if you really can put your legs on the table and sleep (though I sometime try the CPU instead of the table). Nowadays I am trying to research on why 'Dudes' get angry when you take them on a ride on their chairs. Why do chairs have wheels when you want to be a static paper weight! Another anomaly on which Darwin would have probably enjoyed researching, is the aspect of calling people 'Hey MAN...'. I tried hard but till now I am unable to locate any other species in the office.

Another paradox is the dress code. Its like, for women, as long as you got lipstick/haircut etc and can cook and name something once the week or have a baby for whom you lament in office, you are cool. For men, just be 'Mature'. As in, you know, lend your shoulder/catching-falling/understanding/credit card/car key/Iphone etc. 'Hey Man...' don't ask me what these have got to do with bloody dress code! Because these are the things bound to come up when one talks about dress code. Well these things can come up in any conversation.

We have computers. Which takes 10 min to start/shut-down. Talking of RAM, mine used to have around 640 MB (don't ask me how) . Once I was enthusiastic for an upgrade. But one look at the cost/process I felt like standing on the table and dance. I was in tears and asked whether I could buy an RAM from the market and donate it. Ultimately it was made 1GB. We got a share drive for common access and to store project related data. More than 70 people are fighting for space in a 50 GB hard disk for more than 2 years now. We should think of colonizing the moon soon.

Did I miss out the smell? God knows when the carpets were incorporated. They try their best to establish that you should not walk bare foot, not only because you are in a corporate office, but also you may suddenly discover I lot of sticky/yak-yak/wet stuff in your feet. In the beginning, I was mesmerized to see a section of the wing in shadows with people working. It was like film noirs, until a couple of days later when a 'blue-shirt-short-height-irritated-staff' came and fixed the lights. Let there be light then. There is a door in the wall which do not shut properly. Once I opened it to find drain pipes. That day I discovered from where I used to hear water gurgling down during rain. Talking of rain, once on a rainy day I kept my umbrella to dry at the aisle. At evening I found it more wet than I left it. Water was still dripping down the 'glass panels' although the rain has seized outside.

Coming to the bathroom, there is also an algorithm. Of the four urinals 1 is always flooded. You got to be lucky to get your turn without waiting. Empty tissue box, automatic hand drier where you cannot ever put the hand the right way are also there. The taps, to save water stop by them selves. You probably could have shaved between the on-off session. The office starts 9.30 AM sharp. So for morning ritual the 5th floor goes to 3rd floor, 1st floor climbs to 4th floor. Did I miss out 2nd floor? Well as long as your identity is hidden its fine.

Talking about free falling bodies, its main point is memorizing the theories and getting the marks. It does not matter if the theory in itself turns you into a machine. When things are not ticking/clicking/chimming, you just put some grease.

Space-men, cowboys, rain, ice creams, a pair of gumboots and eternity

My father owned a pair of big black gumboots. That was my cutting edge when I was a space man. Complemented with the white helmet, one plastic straw sticking out of it, I was ready for the moon. I never trusted wire less or invisible technologies much, so the plastic straw was essential for me. When I was on the roof top how else could I have talked with my mother downstairs! People are just a bit too sensitive, they used to complain that I am a very noisy, pathetic boy.

The gumboot served well when I used to be the lonesome cowboy. But then also a handkerchief was needed around my neck, covering my neck. I never enjoyed wearing hats though. People just never understand. How can I be a cowboy with a six gun when there was no one to buy me some ammo! It was priced Rs 1! Too high as a price. I used to get pieces of the strip from him or them. Well then again the boy was a pest.

Once it rained. For eight years. The road in front of our house had water above my ankle. With small fishes ('How can you be so illiterate!Those are called 'GUPPY'') swimming around. I had the gumboot. I remember I got astonished that I can not see the pond. Water was everywhere and there were no line between land and water. Thousands of civilizations were gasping for me under that small pond. But he did not come out. His house was flooded and he was pouring water outside. With their whole family on the bed. So I came back home again.

Sometimes me and my mother used to go with our relatives till the main road to bid them good bye. From there some good times mother used to take me to a shop. She used to buy an ice cream. Half of it was put in a cone for me and the remaining half for her. I never understood why she did not buy me a full ice cream and I always had to share. I only got a full ice cream when mother went to bank and I had to wait. I used to walk on the bank's lined floors designing my treasure map while she stood in the queue. Coming out, there was another ice cream shop. Where they kept the ice creams in big containers and you could choose the color.

There are some alleys. Here I probably lost my school life. Or probably lost nothing as I never had anything. The boy still walks along with his booing, anger, pain, rejection. He never received the A4 page which she sent back to him. Later on, probably after 4 years when they talked again, she asked do you still have that. Astonished he replied that he never received anything. Probably all those alcohol/smoke in his veins would never have been there. Or maybe he wanted it in his unconscious mind. Thus slowly created excuses. She still sometime trips over at the side way. Shy and stupid he helps her to the auto and returns red faced. He still walks with handkerchief covering his busted and swelled and stitched lips thinking him self as a Gladiator. Those notebooks/cassettes are probably still there. The Manchester United jersey he borrowed from his brother's friend, the day she gave treat, probably was too big for him. He sometimes used to get amazed how he could make up so many topics to speak upon on phone.

Its like leaving pieces of you at safe places. Like in fairytale. What ever happens, you only need to keep the map safe and sound so that you can come back when ever you want.


[Picture @ Craig Thompson ]

34 steps....

...at 8 o'clock in the night if you step out of our house and take a right turn it takes only 34 steps before you can see the moon no more. That's not a change. That's evolution. Slowly some parts get obsolete.

It is said that time is a great healer. But I think it's quite different. It's true for them who change /sell themselves to hold the finger less hand which does not hold you in return. A cup of coffee may get replaced by a glass of whiskey or even a glass of wine but the thirst remain the same. Its only we think we have changed and don't honor our teachings. The books which tell you to open your eyes, get mixed to the alcohol of pervert TV screens or the witchcraft of radio or the gibberish of newspapers. We don't realize that the same spaces which are committing themselves for the greater good are, at the same time giving advertisements to prevent you from attaining it. Sportsperson encouraging soft drinks, fight against obesity also promoting chocolates, in the name of equality favors to people who got some branded title etc..

Its so clear. That is why no one raises an eyebrow. When the milk is spilled, nowadays it looks like the moon until your domestic cat licks it clean off the floor. The telephonic conversations encourage you to speak more by making service free. But do they increase the number of people whom you can expect to stay a bit "longer then asking you 'How are you...' and you replying 'Fine' ?"

Tell them I went home cause it was getting dark...

When I reached home, it was 3.00 pm and I was hungry. I only had a couple of bread with jam in the morning and I got up early. On top of that, on the previous night we drank whiskey, so slept late. It happens when the house is all for yourself. While putting the food in the microwave I noticed the wall clock above the dining table was not working. Actually it was ticking but was showing time of probably some other place. It showed 3 hrs less than the right time. The weather was good. With chilly breeze in presence of soft sun rays. Oh, I had a beer then. Took a bath. Ate lunch. Smoked a cigarette.

I was nervous. In the evening I was scheduled for a dinner with a girl from the past. That also in some posh restaurant. I was checking my spoken English and was making sure I kept the debit card in my purse now and then. Then I had a beer. Slept for an hour.

I canceled my martial art class in the evening, for which I originally took the day off from office. Nearly at 5.30 when she canceled the diner I was too late for the class. I missed it. I really should have been there. The mistake has taken its toll 'again'. Let me have a beer. Why have I not stocked some whiskey! I made a note to get some for the night. Later she said how sorry she was etc.. Probably we are going to exchange some more "sms" ( how I take to the things which I hate so much!). I remembered a song by Bee Gees "I started a joke, which started the whole world crying...But I didn't see, that the joke was on me..."

Nowadays probably there are no night time here. Yesterday, the light and the darkness used to have it in shifts, but probably light became greedy. Night used to shelter the dark. Kept it under control. It had its empire where it ruled peacefully. But slowly light invaded its empire. Drove him to corners, alleys and other small pockets. There it learned to lurk. Wounded it learned to become evil. Became a pervert who due to void of human bodies finds sex only in pornographic disc. Without an empire he forgets that he was also a king .

In a peaceful night in an open field under the big sparkling dome which was the sky, people don't lie down to see the beauty. They nudge there friends beside them, longing to go home. Because its dangerous. The horizon always stays in a yellow glow. Showing the fresh open wound of the night.


Epilogue- SMS continues. She takes the 8.18 am metro everyday. I am to attend my martial art class tomorrow morning at 9.00 am. Its fine by me even if I take the metro which comes after 8.18 am. But tomorrow lets catch the 8.18 am metro. The whiskey? Dump the remaining portion, I already had enough. The Earth is round, it goes round and round, so whats the problem if sometimes we also go round and round and round and...

Time wrap...

A small pan shop, a barber shop among blinding lights of the main road, an irregular bus and some other things like this - so what can be similar among these things?

A small pan shop - We used to call the field "kachuri pana r math"(field of the pond weeds). Now I get amazed and never manage to remember the names by which people call it. Name changes. I recently picked up smoking. Maybe due to that I also started noticing the pan etc. shop on the border of the field. A radio keeps playing in the shop and an old man (sometimes an old woman) with wrinkled face and movements like that in a slow motion scene attends the shop. Point behind mentioning the radio is, it always plays a music of memories, nostalgia of days with warm sunshine and times when sky was visible from our windows! I never manage to get that feel when I rush back home and try to tune the radio to that station. Some times I get the feeling that I wont be able to find that frequency in my radio and even though I can tune into that frequency it wont play the same song in my radio. Maybe it was playing one of the same stupid channels which radio have given birth, but the shop adds a flavor of its own to whatever the radio plays. Or maybe it wraps everything in its own time wrap and tune things to its own frequency inaccessible outside the boundaries of that tiny shop. Previously as a boy I remember the carpenter shop and the old bottle, newspaper weighing and buying shop but I do not remember this small shop. Things come with new habits. It keeps happening in fantasy though.


A barber shop among blinding lights of the main road - The place is called Sadhan da's shop and holds quite a heritage. Sadhan used to cut hair wearing a safari suit. Now he is dead but the shop remains. New buildings, lamp posts etc. have washed the place with stinking glamour and brightness. But the shop still has its dull yellow door. In my recent visit i saw that they have installed a new 14" black and white TV in the shop. It reminded me of the one(of West On) which we had. When I was much younger I used to go there with father and sit on a wooden plank kept over the chair handle (as I was small) and cry my eyes out as soon as the hair cut session began! After a hair cut my demand was an 50 paisa orange candy and I was happy again. After I was promoted to sit in the chair without the wooden plank, I was more interested in the magazines kept on the bench. With those magazines of sexy models, I never regretted waiting for my turn. Now the previous things are not of much interest to me but I just like to sit there and wait for my turn.


An irregular bus - Nowadays I got an office which pays me for not wasting my time watching movies, reading books and on other fragile things. To reach office there is only one direct bus from my place and 90% time it remains overcrowded. Recently another bus has started to run in that route. It always comes out of the blue at irregular time intervals with its number written on the wind shill in white paint and bad handwriting. I never remember not getting a seat the few times I managed to find that bus. Irrespective of the time, this bus is always comfortably vacant. The fare is also a rupee less than the other regular/popular bus. Whenever it comes, it is a relief for me and I like the way it mocks the other regular or "normal" bus.