Ashtray - If you are a Prince and you come to visit the poor, you probably give away things. Where I am trying to go is, today I realized that those gifts, only because a Prince gave away, does not have to be useful. We had this tire shaped ashtray in our house from as long as I can remember. It was popular for many reasons, like it resembled very much to a real tire. I never used it as I do not smoke often or comfortably at home. Now things change, the worlds shift their positions. As for me I got the house all for myself for almost 2 and 1/2 months. So I started using the ashtray. Kind of an old stuff adding 'touch'. Today when I got tired of continuously smoking the cigarette and thought of resting it on the tire-ashtray, it rolled off and fell on the ground with sparks. I had to get up from the bean bag, throwing away the story book and but-off the cigarette. Well you may say no harm done but it was a tough job getting up from the bean bag in a hurry and panic.
So I inspected the tire-ashtray and found it was given as a souvenir to mark the visit of the Prince of Wales in 1980. Well I was 5 years old at that time and obviously did not smoke. But it could have had some cigarette holder as is there in most of the ashtrays.
Car - I was always afraid to drive the car and used to believe that I would be the last person to be able to drive a car in the whole world. My father started to drive the car at an age of 62 and I was afraid at 26. My brother started to make me drive the car inside our neighborhood when he visited us a couple of months back and thus I started to learn the protocols. The other day I decided to take the car to office. I did so and brought it back home safely. But while parking the car with all the excitement of being able to drive the car I hit the gate with the back side bumper. I was sad and decided to repair it next morning.
That night at around 3 AM there was a noise. A loud one. Me and my friend came outside but everything was normal. I assumed that probably coconut had fallen on our meter-room's asbestos roof causing the noise. In the morning I found that the right side of our car's wind shield was smashed. There were no debris around and everything seemed to be in place. All these years I was afraid of an accident and it happened in this way. I wrote in the insurance claim - '...hit by a coconut falling from the coconut tree...'.We are still to understand how or what happened that night. But I started driving the car. Installed a music player and nowadays I feel like may be I can drive at last and also enjoy it.
A friend of mine bought a car and is learning to drive. So nowadays I help him out as I can in parking, staying beside him when he is driving etc.
Beer and Alcohol - We drank beer. We started with whiskey. Then it was beer. We could have bathed in it. In 26 years I never had a pot belly. But I got one in less than two months. I took my weight and it was 73 kilos. As far as I can remember I was 66 kilos before the 'time' began. So during the end it was vodka, rum, whiskey mostly.
Then there were those occasional liquors. For the Irish Cream the price tag stopped me from enjoying the drink as I paid for it. But everyone else said it was pretty good. Then there was Tequila to celebrate when one of my friend bought a car. We did not had the small glasses for shots, so we bought small 'matir-bhars' from the near by tea stall that night.
Morning - I thought as I was staying alone no one will disturb me in the morning and I will sleep as long as I want. Well I was wrong. At around 0800 hrs the first domestic help used to arrive for washing the clothes. The second used to come around 0830 hrs for washing the dishes. And the third around 0900 hrs to cook that days food.
Rather than getting irritated I started feeling pity for the rich people who have many domestic helps. They will probably never know the peace and many more things. Or maybe this is how a hierarchy rises where you get another domestic help to boss over the remaining one so that you are not disturbed. Social medias should start debating on these in the light of constitution, dynasty, economics, communism etc.
Movies - Before joining the Office and finding out that computers can also be a very dull/boring thing I used to watch lots of movies. I remember there were days or a stretch of days when I have seen 2-3 movies each day. I was amazed to see how many movies can be there and also how can people watch the same movie more than once when there are so many alternatives. Now staying alone at home probably gave me that feel again. I have been trying to watch one movie per day after reaching home from office. I managed to watch 36 movies during this time. As most of the time I was drinking while watching the movies, the choices got changed. It has become more of happy-go-lucky/action types. Well it is said circumstances change everything and movies are social media.
The Girl - Sometimes I feel that maybe its more than just a co-incidance. Some how we again start talking, going here and there for some times and then retreat from each other with the same sudden beginning. But this time I had this feeling that the line has been drawn. To be honest, I feel that this is how it should be and this is what I wanted. Its probably the loneliness which I was afraid of and thus was keeping her with me all the time in 'dreams, thoughts etc etc' kind of mushy ways. I always knew she don't and can't love me. Like the Universe there were this big bang, dust flowing here and there, hazy shades, blurred vision and probably then I understood a very impish thing called 'love' personified. It was long back now. As big bangs does not happen everyday, probably I have to wait for sometime now to find another personified version of 'love' for me. I tell this line which I found in a film to me often '...if I just wanted to avoid loneliness anybody would have been fine...'
Alone - The first day when I came back from office near midnight (as per my normal office schedule) to the empty house, the outdoor light was not up. It was dark. I switched on the lights. Opened the doors/windows. Changed dress. Took a bath. Ate food. I expected that I would have these fear for ghosts/darkness or feel lonely. Insted I had the strange feel which comes on me sometimes. Feeling that the air has become more dense. Depression, frustration, anger, past, present, future got mixed with a sweet-big-empty-calm-happy-content-drowsy sense. The feeling which tells you that you can perform miracles or commit suicide. I made a note to keep alcohol stored and keep the light on from next day when I leave for office.
~ 6th July to 15th September 2012
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