monologues

some people wake up in their dreams,some people dream of waking up. i don't know which way i am. today a friend of mine commented "..you are becoming the person,you think". it made me think. i like to dream or fantasize. i wont mind to realize one day that am "an other" or "a character in 'the sophie's world' " or "the joker in the pack of card" etc.. nor would i mind to bump on donald shimoda one day. while being in front of a camera or being in a book it is quit easy i presume. but in real life it is quit frustrating. like here is a dream i enjoy,

.. one fine day i was lazing in a field under some tree in the first twilight gazing the horizon. through the tree leaves the sun rays seemed like diamonds. the slow breeze was controlling the heat which made the distance foggy. slowly a girl walked up and sat beside me without making a sound...

it is easy in the world where someone else is controlling you with a pen or script. probably that would be the perfect end with a "happily ever after" tag. but in reality it is quite contrary, it would be a new beginning. in a way we are given the dreams without the promise of their fulfillment. but may be i am wrong. may be we don't see until some other point us towards something and say that it can be thought as an perfect fantasy or something which is out of nowhere. like

..one evening i went out of my house to have an adda. the street was perpendicular with another and at that juncture there is a lamp post. as there was rain the street gave pretty reflections. three girls were in front of me. when they came under the lamp post the sight was cinematographic. they were in a horizontal line and wearing dresses of three different colours. it was red,yellow and blue from the left. it reminded me of the scene in the bus from the film "eternity and a day"...

many people change. its ok even if you change but the world remains the same. but its hard if you find out that the world has changed but you are the same. another problem i find is that i feel strongly that in everything something is wrong.

After a long time...

Nowadays i am starting to believe that things tend to end where they started or in the same way they started. In the beginning days of my college life me and a friend of mine used to just sit in the field at the back side of our college and just sit there and chat. Others used to say "ghatia nazare ki moja ley rahe ho...?"(as at that time the condition of the field was horrible). As the semesters passed we found other ways which lead as away from the field. Today in the last semester i found him again there and we chatted for a long time, after a long time and bunked two classes. Along with the chat we also found out how well maintained the field is now. The field has changed. But in our chat we still had that hunger for life and also that same friendship. All these years we hardly talked but we thought in the same way. Another enchanting thing about this field is the tree. A big tree with a near perfect round shape. These years changed us a lot, but there was something which i found to be the same even after these years. He has grown up enough to drop his mad desires to play "snake" in his mobile even while talking, stopped fearing the registrar as he used to, got a job etc.. I have also dropped and picked up things. Changed friends, tried to love a girl (and failed), got a job etc.. But as i found out today probably nothing have changed much.

In the same field, like him i keep on finding other friends nowadays. They have surely changed. Some are planning to go abroad, some have restricted their strong desires to join whatever sports are taking place in the field, some still sings loudly and have managed to keep the wonderful voice, some still give their lectures, some still make their strategies etc etc.. But when we talk again we tend to forget the years or whatever worry we had.

After a couple of months i will leave the college. But I am sure that it wont be only the degree with which i will leave. I always try to collect "moments". When life is difficult or hard on me, i try to go back to those moments and live in those moments. I tried and collected some moments throughout these years.


[picture @ a college friend]