In Between

I was always interested in making something from the junk.Like tanks made out of cigarette cases and match boxes or darts made from broom sticks,pin and paper or airplanes made from pens etc.All though these things were available in shops,but the joy of recreation and imagination were not there. Among these once i bought a small pistol which shot arrows fitted with a sucker.These cheap suckers were never able to stick to anything.This fact gave me an idea.I removed the sucker and fitted it with needle.Due to the weight the range was reduced but my mission was accomplished.I felt invincible for a week or so with that refitted weapon.


Then in school i came to know about magnets.More than their attracting power,their repulsive power interested me.Then came the electricity.I was handed over a "Try Yourself" electric kit from a cousin of mine.After burning the fuses of some small bulbs,a bigger plan came into my mind.I planned to electrify the gate in front of our house,so that any unwanted people will get an electric shock when they touches the gate.The plan was simple.I will use two wires at the two ends of the gate and connect the wires with a switch.So when i turn the switch on,electricity will flow.But after some time i realized that things are not that simple and there are other constraints than those taught in theories.


Another interesting thing was the revolving motion.How the Earth pulls us toward itself due to revolving around itself.How the helicopters flew.I found out a small motor,fitted it with batteries.But nothing happened no matter how many batteries i used to make the motor run faster.Even though i made out a fan like structure with cardboard and fitted it with the motor,it denied to fly.


I like music.But after listening for some time to music it becomes monotonous.Just as heaven is as boring compared to hell is as happening.At that time the no transmission sound in between stations of a radio felt better.It was like the nothingness before something.But now due to many stations that sound cannot be heard anymore.No matter how hard you try to tune in between stations,some broken transmission will always be there from other stations.


Now sometimes when i think, I realize that I enjoyed staying in between. But time has taken care to see that nothing in between can survive. In this digital world its only 1 or 0.There is no 0.5. People are too busy in creating a Heaven or a Hell.They are not interested in an Earth.Before dying you have to find some good/bad quality in yourself or else you are just an "in between" in between start and end.

You,The Living

Coincidence
For 5 months now, i have been doing nothing. After 19 years of education,now i find nothing to do in these months.But i read some books,watched some films,but i think that falls in the category of doing nothing.Today in a book by a famous poet i came across a "secret" (as he thought it to be) :"there is nothing as beautiful as wasting time".Whether it was a coincidence,i will never know.

The "feeling"
As i said i was not doing anything for some time.So i thought the "feeling" was because of doing nothing.But soon i realized that i am wrong,as it is not new to me.When i was in school,college or rather engaged with something,i had this "feeling".The only difference is i was busy then,or unable to change.This inability only increased the "feeling" at that time.Now i have nothing to do,meaning i can do anything.But still i am remaining the same.Now this thought is increasing that "feeling".I tried to describe this "feeling" to myself a lot of times.Its like stretching the fingers of both of your hands to their limits.Like some kind of animated bug is eating up the inside of your head.Like someone is pinching your toes when they have gone numb.Like you are experiencing an immense pressure,but cannot decide whether the pressure is trying to crush you or trying to burst out from inside of you.Even if i mix up all these examples or think of some more,i think i wont be able to describe the "feeling".

Loneliness: singular or plural?
Many times i felt lonely.Most of the times I contacted some friends,went out with them or went to others houses.But each time i did this,later i realized i was unable to get reed of loneliness.The only difference was i was not by myself but I was just lonely among people.If a number of lonely people stand together will they be different?Or will they be just a bunch of lonely people?

Education
A perfect past time for these months would have been to study for higher studies.But all i wanted to do was to dream of doing higher studies and get a job for real.All the time i sat on the benches in different classrooms i thought of the line:"i sat on this bench for years waiting for the periods to end".All these years of education was probably aimed to make myself adapt with the market strategies or to follow the ups and downs of the market.The education rather than trying to make itself interesting, tried to make other things important or interesting.

Emotions
I always found it hard to represent my emotions to people.Slowly i developed a tendency to hide my emotions from others.After all this time i find it hard to make out what my true emotional outcomes are like.Like in the face of a joke a laughed a lot many times just because others were laughing and my difference may disturb the mood.Like why will i cry if your dear ones die?But we cry.Maybe because we put ourselves in that position.That shows we are crying for ourselves,not for that person in loss.Everybody has there own way of representing their emotions.And sometimes maybe that way is even unknown to the very person.Masks in another sense are nothing but custom made emotions or ready made emotions.

Childhood
The purest,most beautiful,most creative,most dangerous playground of thoughts.Why limit it in some days,weeks,months or years?





[P/S: The title is a name of a movie.]

"What a wonderful world"

We were 4000 metres above and in the Himalaya Pirpanjal range.On the way whenever i looked down my head felt like ommlete and i had a feeling like jumping down from there!Thats when i got to know that i have vertigo.But ultimately the beauty all around helped me and i made it.The place was called "Theli".Some also call it "Maidan",as the place was kind of plain and full of medicinal grass.There were another route to come up (by which we came down,and was less vertical) other than the one we used.Locals brought their cattle via that route and let them graze for 1-2 months or more before coming up again to fetch them.Sometimes bears also attack and kill there cattle.That night we stayed there.It was my first time sleeping in a sleeping bag and staying in a tent.The place where we camped was the level from where the ice started to paint the mountain white.

The plan was to start for "Bhrigu" lake next morning.After walking for 2 hours and when the ice began to get deep,i decided to stop.It was really hard for me to stop my self from slipping!I decided to wait there for my team members to return.Slowly the sun turned and where i was sitting was covered in shadow and cold wind.So i decided to get back to camp.After coming down following one of those numerous water-falls i soon found that i was lost.Every place looked similar!After wandering for some times i saw a make shift jhupri of some shepherd.Overjoyed i went near it.Out of the blue i realized two shepherd-dogs running at me ready to tear me apart.I just froze there.The people staying there were kind enough to shout and throw a sauspen at them to disperse them.Afterwards they scolded me about coming near a flock of sheep without warning as these dogs are generally trained to kill in order to protect the sheep.I told them that i am lost and looking for three tents one of them colored blue.He gave me the direction and said it was just 10minutes walk.But even after 30minutes when i was unable to find anything i came back there.To set their directions they used ice which were gathered here and there and i was not accustomed with that method.Upon asking he gladly guided me to my tent.Before parting i asked him to sit a bit and talk.He was from "Kullu".Studied till class 3.Showed me his mobile and said now he can call upon for food when his stock finishes.Astonishingly at that altitude there were always network for mobile!Then he asked me where America is.Then he told me how they saved the lives of two foreigners and how they scolded them when they wanted to give some money in return.He said simply,here we will treat u and look after you as you are our guest here.

After my team members returned from bhrigu lake we started our descent from the other road through the jungle.The trees were enormous.But many were being cut down.They said it is a false belief that locals are cutting trees.Locals are afraid about the laws.Its the people of Government who are cutting trees.I think they are doing so up there because it would be hard to notice from below.

That trip was more than anything to me.The thoughts changed in my mind towards many things.I never thought i would be able to do anything like that,but now i am glad that i did it.

42 B

It is not the size of an woman's under garment.This is also not a number to me.To me it is a bus number.It is the key to some memories.The delay of that bus to reach the Golpark bus stop used to mean both good or bad times to me depending upon the circumstances.The significance of the bus was that it was the only bus to have the distance from Golpark to Navina included in its bus route.Which in turn used to fulfill both the requirements of mine and a friend of mine.Although there were many buses to go my distance,but in order to go with her i had to wait for the bus.And that i did braving the hot sun or the cold rain.Most of the times it was the cold rain,as our tuition was from the evening and started from November.After a few months she left the coaching leaving me with more bus options.Of the few months we waited together some were in the November rains.Once when we finally decided that 42b wont come today we walked all the way.She got a blister in her leg,but i got so many dreams that i stayed awake that night. If someday we decided to stay a bit long gossiping and was late for home,we blamed the bus when asked about the delay at home.

Those are memories now.After she left the coaching i was provided with many buses and slowly forgot all those days.Until today a friend asked for a route and i said:"..you should take 42b",then subconsciously added "its the only bus in that route."With that,the memories came back.The bitter memories.I then quickly gave another alternate route to her and persuaded her to take the other choice.Or else i would have to wait again with her (this time under the hot sun) for the 42b.Maybe because i did not wanted to keep forgetting life, i persuaded her the other route.

Many buses change their routes.But this bus is still running on that same route!Maybe i would not have even thought about the bus if not asked today.The studies,exams everything got suppressed by the bus number.Today the present called upon the past through that bus route.Probably i wont stand anymore in that bus stop in rain waiting for that bus,as also i wont be able to see the world as other people do.

Time

"Time is the heartbeat of the universe"
-- Terry Pratchet

That summer afternoon i was only a kid,who just finished eating his share of watermelon,standing in the varandah of his maternal uncle's house watching the trains pass by. I was about to throw away the watermelon when my brother came and said that its next to impossible to hit a crow by throwing something.I aimed and threw the piece and to our astonishment it did hit a crow!After that we uncovered a secret: if you want to hit a crow use watermelons!That was just another realization among the others like finding out that the guards of the goods-trains wave back when you do so, the house shakes when the trains pass by etc..

On my recent visit i suddenly found these memories still preserved there.Maybe this particular visit was also on a similar summer afternoon that made me remember the memories.I have went there many a times but never felt like these.There used to be another building which was for rent.It was along the wall which separated the house from the adjoining rail lines.That building was taken down many a years ago.The jungle there is dominated by banana trees.Which as is said started with someone accidentally planting a banana tree.Its like a very small Macondo banana factory gone wrong like in the book:"One Hundred Years Of Solitude".Due to many reasons many family members have left the house.Its quite hard to say how many will remember the name of the house:"SARALA BHAVAN", if asked now.

I tried to understand what it was.Memories?Emotions?Or just the passing of time?It was the whimsical time which decided to help me remember my childhood siestas,the warmth of the room, the smell of the old building,the passing of trains etc.It was all there.The amazement that i got in that afternoon was returned to me, but in disguise.Mixed with my new experiences which i gathered while growing up.Its the time who decided when to remind what.Things probably are forbidden to leave the prison of time unless the time is right.And the memories,emotions and everything will have to go by that routine too.They just cannot spill out.

Career

“ "Career" in the 20th century referenced the series of jobs or positions by which one earned one's money. It tended to look only at the past.”

“In the 21st century, the idea of a career is shifting from a closed set of achievements, like a chronological résumé of past jobs, to a defined set of pursuits looking in the future.”

Along with countless rotations of the earth the term career rotated to a thing of the future from a thing of the past. Centuries give certain words new meaning. These “new meanings” many a time contradict with some people who like to retain the words with there old meaning or sometimes giving them new meaning. Some, in this case, think that “ “career” Is just another 21^st century invention”.

People now “make their career”, when rather what they make should have been their career. The objective is to make career. When the objective would have been to do what they do best or have to do for circumstances, then someday turn back and realize his career. Nowadays things do not define the career rather the career defines the things to come. Like one will take a field because there is good “career” opportunities. Its like living others dreams.

Money has made the matters more complicated. Running after money has become the new definition of career. Like a successful businessman (say) is nowadays considered perfect to counsel an engineer (say), because he earns good money and the engineer wants to do the same thing. So its like whatever be the discipline, they are all the same in a major way.

Communication

It was probably when i was in class 7 that land-phones started to become both very popular and plenty. Even though we managed not to have one for quit some time. I was probably in class 10 that we got a land phone. I remember before having the phone how we twisted our brains to find an alternative to say than "hello" after picking up the receiver. But till today we have been saying "hello". I think best of the things happen before the marking events, like we took time thinking an alternative while planning for the phone, but after having it we succumbed to the trend.

Then it was the turn of mobile phones. It was an discount offer to my brother which was the invitation pass for the first mobile in our house. I was probably in school at that time and got my personal mobile when i was in college 1st year.

Then came the broadband internet connection. The entry of it marked a huge change in everything. We got a connection after my campusing and i was in probably 3rd year of college.

I had to wait for all these a little bit more to become available to me, as i had to convince people that they will be fruitfully used. Now sometimes i feel that it would have been better if they were scarce. They made communication so easy that the warmth of communication is nowadays just the electronic voice or depends upon the speed of your typing. Commitments became easy as you can change them even at the last moment. New offers encouraged more communication. Speaking all day with your loved ones.This morning they got angry,by the afternoon they are happy. Emotions got diluted.Time got compressed.What you would have done in a day it now took only minutes. But the heart got broken. Chat services in internet made people available all the time. But i still think that phone call once a day (when there was not so many offers and internet) was warmer than anything. I would give away my mobile,my computer just to have one of those days back.Free sms services in mobile tempts people, but nothing comes free.You save your money and pay for it with something else.If i knew someone is sms-ing me after considering spending money,it would have more warmth than someone who is doing so just because of an offer. A relationship which is based upon offers are bound to be different than one without any boundary.What value a gift has if there is no sacrifice for it? Communication is bound to get as cheap as pebbles if these advancements are not understood.Mobile and chat services probably destroyed what land phones started to build.

Under the sky

It was my brother who first started the habit of going to the rabindra sarobar lake and jog. He was trying to improve his driving and going to the lake in the morning in his new car served the purpose well. Later on i joined him in the backseat and an old friend, from my badminton club used to join us there. It was winter time and the night was long. That morning started with the usual groaning, cursing, fighting with the rag to get out of the bed, opening the door silently so as not to wake up our parents, brushing, wearing the same old red pant, getting into the car, enjoying the drive specially when we were on the bridge at "manna'r khabar" towards the lake. Upon reaching the lake we found that we were a bit early and the morning was a bit late that day. People were just starting to come around. After taking a couple of steps we were attracted by a small no. of people in the field looking at something. It did not take us long to find out that there on the field a dead man was lying facing the open sky. He was wearing a "like those from the old films" kind of heavy brown spectacle under which the eyes were shut. His hands were not like that of "jesus christ" posture but they were under his head probably serving the purpose of a pillow.He was wearing a cheap, light blue t-shirt with color and a cotton pant. As he was lying at a corner of the field were the grasses grew long, half of him was haphazardly under the grass. Within minutes police came and we had to clear out. The man was probably high on alcohol the previous night. But the way he lay gave a peaceful image betraying all the pain of an odd death. Probably in one night he has seen more than what we long to see. Maybe the movements of the stars amazed him or the rotation of the earth made him dizzy. Probably that night he understood the complexities of the philosophical truths, in a very simple way. Maybe he found the presence of god with him, around him. Realized that "creators and creations cannot stay together." The funny thing is we know these quotes and surely he never knew them. Probably he realized it that night and had no intention to preach things and leave behind perhaps another religious order. Maybe that's why he went away with the night, the stars, the moon. Maybe those closed eyes that night saw too much that they refused to open anymore.


[picture @ advertisement on the bridge]

the small white butterfly

on the way back from a friends house i realized that my head was in quit a mess after having vodka till late night and from barely 1 hour sleep. the weather only added to it.it was 9.30 in the morning and already the sun was making the horizons blur and the pitch muddy.a thought came to me. an improvised version is like this,

we read about 3d,2d and 1d concepts. a general explanation can be that where we are right now (..the room,road or anywhere) is the 3d concept. because we are in it so it must have 3 layers to accommodate us. what we are seeing(..the landscape or anything which is a bit far) is the 2d concept. it is easy if we think that the 3d concept is just changing into 2d like a painting in the canvas. lastly the 1d concept is the image/thought or what we retain from the 3d and 2d concepts. whatever you call it,becomes its single dimension. in reference to this it can be concluded that the 3d concept is the present, 2d concept is the future and 1d concept is the past.i think the balance breaks when one changes to another and its catastrophic when we are unable to modify to the change.

after reaching home, i decided not to go to college but to sit in the old rocking chair in the veranda and try to slow down time.it was around 11 a.m. and already people were scarce in the road in front of our house. the trees of our garden were shining from the heat. everything was slow. only movement i found was the to and fro of the rocking chair. it seemed like the rocking chair was taking care of the flow of time. i was half sleepy on the rocking chair.i felt slowly lost under my skin.my own self started to slowly float away from the outer boundary.everything came through haziness. only the to and fro seemed to be real,like the ticking of time. then came the breeze and with it a little white butterfly. the butterfly showed no intention to fly away,but kept on making circles in front of me.the movement of its wings disturbed me as it was out of sync with the to and fro movement.it was fast. the two movements at the same time countered each other.through that conflict reality slowly started to take time away from the grasp of the to and fro movement.


[picture taken at night]

monologues

some people wake up in their dreams,some people dream of waking up. i don't know which way i am. today a friend of mine commented "..you are becoming the person,you think". it made me think. i like to dream or fantasize. i wont mind to realize one day that am "an other" or "a character in 'the sophie's world' " or "the joker in the pack of card" etc.. nor would i mind to bump on donald shimoda one day. while being in front of a camera or being in a book it is quit easy i presume. but in real life it is quit frustrating. like here is a dream i enjoy,

.. one fine day i was lazing in a field under some tree in the first twilight gazing the horizon. through the tree leaves the sun rays seemed like diamonds. the slow breeze was controlling the heat which made the distance foggy. slowly a girl walked up and sat beside me without making a sound...

it is easy in the world where someone else is controlling you with a pen or script. probably that would be the perfect end with a "happily ever after" tag. but in reality it is quite contrary, it would be a new beginning. in a way we are given the dreams without the promise of their fulfillment. but may be i am wrong. may be we don't see until some other point us towards something and say that it can be thought as an perfect fantasy or something which is out of nowhere. like

..one evening i went out of my house to have an adda. the street was perpendicular with another and at that juncture there is a lamp post. as there was rain the street gave pretty reflections. three girls were in front of me. when they came under the lamp post the sight was cinematographic. they were in a horizontal line and wearing dresses of three different colours. it was red,yellow and blue from the left. it reminded me of the scene in the bus from the film "eternity and a day"...

many people change. its ok even if you change but the world remains the same. but its hard if you find out that the world has changed but you are the same. another problem i find is that i feel strongly that in everything something is wrong.

After a long time...

Nowadays i am starting to believe that things tend to end where they started or in the same way they started. In the beginning days of my college life me and a friend of mine used to just sit in the field at the back side of our college and just sit there and chat. Others used to say "ghatia nazare ki moja ley rahe ho...?"(as at that time the condition of the field was horrible). As the semesters passed we found other ways which lead as away from the field. Today in the last semester i found him again there and we chatted for a long time, after a long time and bunked two classes. Along with the chat we also found out how well maintained the field is now. The field has changed. But in our chat we still had that hunger for life and also that same friendship. All these years we hardly talked but we thought in the same way. Another enchanting thing about this field is the tree. A big tree with a near perfect round shape. These years changed us a lot, but there was something which i found to be the same even after these years. He has grown up enough to drop his mad desires to play "snake" in his mobile even while talking, stopped fearing the registrar as he used to, got a job etc.. I have also dropped and picked up things. Changed friends, tried to love a girl (and failed), got a job etc.. But as i found out today probably nothing have changed much.

In the same field, like him i keep on finding other friends nowadays. They have surely changed. Some are planning to go abroad, some have restricted their strong desires to join whatever sports are taking place in the field, some still sings loudly and have managed to keep the wonderful voice, some still give their lectures, some still make their strategies etc etc.. But when we talk again we tend to forget the years or whatever worry we had.

After a couple of months i will leave the college. But I am sure that it wont be only the degree with which i will leave. I always try to collect "moments". When life is difficult or hard on me, i try to go back to those moments and live in those moments. I tried and collected some moments throughout these years.


[picture @ a college friend]