Coincidence
For 5 months now, i have been doing nothing. After 19 years of education,now i find nothing to do in these months.But i read some books,watched some films,but i think that falls in the category of doing nothing.Today in a book by a famous poet i came across a "secret" (as he thought it to be) :"there is nothing as beautiful as wasting time".Whether it was a coincidence,i will never know.
The "feeling"
As i said i was not doing anything for some time.So i thought the "feeling" was because of doing nothing.But soon i realized that i am wrong,as it is not new to me.When i was in school,college or rather engaged with something,i had this "feeling".The only difference is i was busy then,or unable to change.This inability only increased the "feeling" at that time.Now i have nothing to do,meaning i can do anything.But still i am remaining the same.Now this thought is increasing that "feeling".I tried to describe this "feeling" to myself a lot of times.Its like stretching the fingers of both of your hands to their limits.Like some kind of animated bug is eating up the inside of your head.Like someone is pinching your toes when they have gone numb.Like you are experiencing an immense pressure,but cannot decide whether the pressure is trying to crush you or trying to burst out from inside of you.Even if i mix up all these examples or think of some more,i think i wont be able to describe the "feeling".
Loneliness: singular or plural?
Many times i felt lonely.Most of the times I contacted some friends,went out with them or went to others houses.But each time i did this,later i realized i was unable to get reed of loneliness.The only difference was i was not by myself but I was just lonely among people.If a number of lonely people stand together will they be different?Or will they be just a bunch of lonely people?
Education
A perfect past time for these months would have been to study for higher studies.But all i wanted to do was to dream of doing higher studies and get a job for real.All the time i sat on the benches in different classrooms i thought of the line:"i sat on this bench for years waiting for the periods to end".All these years of education was probably aimed to make myself adapt with the market strategies or to follow the ups and downs of the market.The education rather than trying to make itself interesting, tried to make other things important or interesting.
Emotions
I always found it hard to represent my emotions to people.Slowly i developed a tendency to hide my emotions from others.After all this time i find it hard to make out what my true emotional outcomes are like.Like in the face of a joke a laughed a lot many times just because others were laughing and my difference may disturb the mood.Like why will i cry if your dear ones die?But we cry.Maybe because we put ourselves in that position.That shows we are crying for ourselves,not for that person in loss.Everybody has there own way of representing their emotions.And sometimes maybe that way is even unknown to the very person.Masks in another sense are nothing but custom made emotions or ready made emotions.
Childhood
The purest,most beautiful,most creative,most dangerous playground of thoughts.Why limit it in some days,weeks,months or years?
[P/S: The title is a name of a movie.]
For 5 months now, i have been doing nothing. After 19 years of education,now i find nothing to do in these months.But i read some books,watched some films,but i think that falls in the category of doing nothing.Today in a book by a famous poet i came across a "secret" (as he thought it to be) :"there is nothing as beautiful as wasting time".Whether it was a coincidence,i will never know.
The "feeling"
As i said i was not doing anything for some time.So i thought the "feeling" was because of doing nothing.But soon i realized that i am wrong,as it is not new to me.When i was in school,college or rather engaged with something,i had this "feeling".The only difference is i was busy then,or unable to change.This inability only increased the "feeling" at that time.Now i have nothing to do,meaning i can do anything.But still i am remaining the same.Now this thought is increasing that "feeling".I tried to describe this "feeling" to myself a lot of times.Its like stretching the fingers of both of your hands to their limits.Like some kind of animated bug is eating up the inside of your head.Like someone is pinching your toes when they have gone numb.Like you are experiencing an immense pressure,but cannot decide whether the pressure is trying to crush you or trying to burst out from inside of you.Even if i mix up all these examples or think of some more,i think i wont be able to describe the "feeling".
Loneliness: singular or plural?
Many times i felt lonely.Most of the times I contacted some friends,went out with them or went to others houses.But each time i did this,later i realized i was unable to get reed of loneliness.The only difference was i was not by myself but I was just lonely among people.If a number of lonely people stand together will they be different?Or will they be just a bunch of lonely people?
Education
A perfect past time for these months would have been to study for higher studies.But all i wanted to do was to dream of doing higher studies and get a job for real.All the time i sat on the benches in different classrooms i thought of the line:"i sat on this bench for years waiting for the periods to end".All these years of education was probably aimed to make myself adapt with the market strategies or to follow the ups and downs of the market.The education rather than trying to make itself interesting, tried to make other things important or interesting.
Emotions
I always found it hard to represent my emotions to people.Slowly i developed a tendency to hide my emotions from others.After all this time i find it hard to make out what my true emotional outcomes are like.Like in the face of a joke a laughed a lot many times just because others were laughing and my difference may disturb the mood.Like why will i cry if your dear ones die?But we cry.Maybe because we put ourselves in that position.That shows we are crying for ourselves,not for that person in loss.Everybody has there own way of representing their emotions.And sometimes maybe that way is even unknown to the very person.Masks in another sense are nothing but custom made emotions or ready made emotions.
Childhood
The purest,most beautiful,most creative,most dangerous playground of thoughts.Why limit it in some days,weeks,months or years?
[P/S: The title is a name of a movie.]
1 comment:
wow!! u hav described those complicated things in such a simple way...it deserves praise! ! truly
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